There’s a click from the cassette tape. I take a breath in between the click and the sigh, which commences the recording. Incoherent nonsense litters the background, which doesn’t benefit the clarity of the woman’s words. She begins softly;

“I know it’s a cliché but… I’m not sure where I should start this.” Tears immediately hurt my eyes. I’ve never met this woman before, yet her voice is as familiar to me as my own. That’s my mother.

I can tell she’s beginning to cry as well, because her voice shakes slightly as she continues, sniffing slightly between every word.

“I’m not entirely sure when you’ll see this. I’m giving it to your dad in the hopes he’ll remember something for once in his life.” She stifles her cry for a moment, trying to breathe out what I think is a laugh. “You’ll come to learn that’s one of his defining traits.” I find myself trying to swallow the lump in my throat, pretending to understand the same humour she sees in this.

“You obviously know this already, but, I’m your mother. Or mum. Or maybe mummy? I’m sorry I never got the chance to hear your little voice, but I wonder what you would’ve called me.”

Mum. Hero. The best person I ever knew without meeting.

I find my finger hovering over the pause button. I want to stop the recording. I wish the tape would never end, I wish I could stay here forever. Somewhere I never even was to begin with. Her voice is so gentle, I have to concentrate to hear it through the crackle of the old cassette system;

“I made the decision to name you Stella. It means star in Latin.”

That was one of the first words I can remember my dad muttering to me, as we hid under the bedsheets, huddling together and giggling as we pretended that our golden retriever was going to attack us upon sight, so we had to hide until dark. Or just whenever he had a nap. I wonder if mum would’ve liked our games.

Stella. Stella, my star. He had whispered through the linen, the name rolling off his tongue with ease. It was just perfect. Nothing else would have fit.

“My name is Luna. That means moon. I thought it would be cute. Like, once you were here, we could match names. Star and moon. Mother and daughter. Oh, I suppose it’s just Stella now. I’m sorry.” She croaks the last part through a voice thick with tears, before I can hear another tremble, and she must pull away from the recorder, because her whimpers are muffled.

Please don’t apologise. 

She returns, regaining composure, and breathes out heavily.

“The reason I can’t be with you is because, I’m very sick, Stella.” I blink back tears. She’s sounded in pain this whole time.

“I’ve been sick for a while. I’m sorry it’s like this. I wish I could’ve been older, with my own home, and a good education. A finished one. I could’ve given you so much more. Much better than a tape recording.”

You gave your life.

“The doctors warned me awhile ago. That pregnancy would only weaken me. But I was so blinded by love. The thought of giving you up, even if I didn’t know you, hurt more than any contraction. I would’ve done it in a thousand more lifetimes if it meant I could be with you, my sweet girl.” Her sweet girl. I’m hers. I always have been.

“They told me I was well enough to go through with the delivery safely. But not well enough for much after that. So, my last gift to the world is you, Stella. Please behave.” We both give a soft chuckle in unison, and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It’s like, for a few seconds, she’s here. She’s in the room laughing. Not trapped in this tape. Not so far away.

“Your father and I met in a Physics lecture. We studied cosmology. I would pay good money to see the look on his face again when I told him my name.” Dad never mentioned any of this.

“Your dad’s a good man. But he’s only a kid. Still. I know he’ll do his best for you. He’ll teach you all the things that I was supposed to.” My dad is incredible. I couldn’t have asked for more love. But it’s never truly filled the longing for you, mum.

“I don’t know how to end this. I’m not sure if there is a way to end it.” If time has stopped by now, I haven’t noticed. And I couldn’t care less. It’s just my mum and I now.

“Gaze up at the stars for me, every once in a while. Maybe you’ll find me there.” I do. Every night. Trying so hard to catch a glimpse of you. 

My mum loved stargazing. That’s what dad always said. He even admitted that’s what they did on their first date. He tried to say he was bored, but I know it was his idea. I know he wished every second with her could’ve lasted a minute. He once said he could have spent all day looking at the sky, but the only galaxy he ever found was in her eyes.

“Well, my baby, I think it’s time for us to part ways now, I can hear the nurse down the hall, presumably coming for my epidural. That’s just a fancy name for an injection, basically.” My hand clamps tight around the strands of hair I was twirling. 

“Listen to this when you’re sad. Or even happy. Or even when you just need your mum, albeit in audio form. But I hope you know I’m there.” It haunts me every day. You have no idea how heavy the weight of your presence is on my shoulders.

“I love you so much, my star.” The resounding click, signalling the recording has ended, hits me like a ton of bricks. Just to hear her voice sent a chill down my spine that I don’t think can be recreated.

It’s just then, I look up at the moon, the only light in the dark, and I gasp at the sight. The moon, in all her beauty, and a single perfect star gleaming beside her. Luna and Stella. Mother and daughter. The moon and her star.